How Do I Ask for Help or Support?
No one is expected to recover alone. Accept offers of help and learn to ask for the help you need. Asking for help is a valuable skill in life, even if it feels uncomfortable. Keep a positive attitude about reaching out to others.
Here are some practical tips on how to ask others to help out.
First you will want to know “What do I want?” and “Who should I ask?” Knowing what you need can determine who you ask and what you need them to do
Think about your concerns and decide what you need most right now. Keep your list simple.
Determine if you need information or a specific action from someone.
Write down what you need so you can ask for it clearly.
Do you need to speak to a professional such as an attorney, Victim Service Professional or counselor, or can a friend or family member help?
If you aren’t sure who could help you, start with someone who may have some information and could send you in a good direction.
You may need to approach someone you’ve never met before. If this is your best option, gather your courage and prepare to ask.
Choose a suitable time and be direct about your request.
After a few moments of “Hello, how are you?” say, “I’ve got something I need help with.” “Is this a good time to talk?
Be specific: “I need someone to … talk to, give me a ride, help me think though a problem, help me find a doctor, work with me to create a memorial.” Be clear about what you need and when you need it.
Don’t apologize for asking for help. We all need help sometimes.
Avoid downplaying your needs with phrases like “I hate to ask...” or “It’s just a small thing.” These phrases can make it seem like what you’re asking for is unimportant, and it takes away the satisfaction of helping someone.
Be as clear as possible about how much time and energy the task will take.
Instead of saying to a family member, "I need you to help more around the house," you may say, "Could you please take the trash out and also do a load of laundry?"
Frame the request in a positive way – “I know you have many acquaintances in town. Do you know someone who could help me find …. ?”
If you asked someone for help and they didn't come through, ask someone else. You may need to reach out to a few people before getting the right assistance.
Express appreciation. "Thanks for helping me out. I appreciate your time."
Let them know exactly what they did for you. You could say to your therapist, "Thanks for this session. I think you’ve given me some good tools to start overcoming my anxiety.” You could tell your partner, "Thanks for making dinner tonight. It meant a lot to me to not have to think about what to cook."
If you’re grieving you may not have much energy for everyday tasks. Let your loved ones know where you need help the most. Here are some examples to get the conversation started:
- “I just need to be alone today before the memorial service. Can you take a message if someone calls or stops over?”
- “Mom could use some meals delivered to the house. Can you take care of that?”
- “Would you mind helping me? I need some assistance.”
It can be uncomfortable to ask for help with physical or mental health concerns, particularly if you don’t appear visibly sick. But needing support for your feelings doesn’t mean you’re weak or less valuable. Be clear about what you need and remember that there are people who care about your wellbeing.
- “I don’t feel like getting out of bed, but my doctor said I had to take a walk every day. Can you walk with me?”
Choose how best to communicate. Many like chatting through text messages or emails, but telephones can provide a more personal connection for a lengthier conversation. Meeting in person gives you longer time to reconnect and more time to discuss your concern or need. Studies show that face-to-face requests have a higher chance of success.
If it is personal, say a little bit about what has been hard for you, something that you are willing to share, and see how the person responds. If they react in a way that feels ok, you can share more.
Tell the other person how you want them to support you. Maybe you simply want them to listen, or understand your feelings, or give you feedback. You might also ask if they’d be willing to go for a walk together without talking about what happened. Don’t hesitate to ask for what you need.
If you have asked for advice, listen and consider the ideas, even if they don’t seem so helpful. In the end, make your own decisions.
Respect others’ limits and ask if you can reach out again later.
Thank the person for their time. If someone helps you, tell them how much you appreciated it.
Some cultures and families use more indirect requests. It is considered impolite to refuse a direct request. Instead, you may say something about what you need and ask for ideas on what to do. Let them volunteer or suggest an idea.
Let them decide how much support they can offer and try to find a mutually beneficial solution. They may be able to help more at another time.
Make your request more personal by explaining why the person’s skills or expertise make them uniquely suited to this task. This casts them as a helpful person and not just another person you can resort to for help.
Keep them updated on the results of their help. People want to feel that their efforts made a difference and that the help they gave was meaningful.
Remember, there are many people who are eager to lend a hand.
