Grief, social withdrawal and isolation are common ways survivors react following a traumatic event. You may feel that no one else can truly understand what you have been through. You may mistrust strangers or even those close to you. You may not want to burden others with your distress. Avoiding people can add to feelings of isolation.  

Survivors may feel needy, dependent, unable to be alone, or embarrassed about asking for support. 

Survivors often have emotional and physical reactions that may upset or confuse family members and others close to them, such as an out of the blue panic attack or strong reaction to a reminder.  

Irritability, chronic anger, agitation, anxiety and other unpredictable emotions can strain the patience of even the most devoted friend or family member.  

Survivors might want to talk about their experiences, but feel as though they have no-one to listen or don’t want to burden others.

Survivors may NOT want to talk about their experience or reactions and do not like to answer questions.  

Survivors may feel vulnerable and uncertain about what is safe, making it difficult to trust others or meet new people.

PTSD increases avoidance of activities similar to the traumatic event. Willingness to attend social events may change. Friends may not fully understand this, and may lose patience. They may even stop offering invitations, which can further increase feelings of isolation.

Mistrust makes communication difficult, resulting in misunderstandings, disappointment, and hurt feelings. Survivors may be increasingly sensitive, which can further strain relationships.

Family members can become distressed watching the pain of a loved one and not being able to “fix it” for them, or become impatient at the slowness of recovery. They want “the old you” back. 

Loved ones can become more protective and controlling, foster dependence, or tell the survivor what they should do.  

Parents who lost a child often feel more anxious about any remaining children.  

Children who lost a parent, sibling or friend may develop relationship anxieties.

Family members who lost a loved one are individually grieving and may have few emotional resources left to help each other. They may need to turn to people outside the family for support.

When multiple individuals within a family are suffering, it is harder to offer comfort to one another. Family members may grieve or suffer in silence, so as not to upset their loved ones. 

Losing a loved one can bring out old tensions or worsen current stressors within a family. Family dynamics change. Rivalries and jealousies may worsen, especially if there are financial concerns. 

If the person who provides primary financial support within a family is injured or killed, this can result in significant stressors (e.g., loss of income, inability to pay bills, or having to move).

Even if family members were at the same event, their experiences and perceptions may widely differ, and they may be seeking very different kinds of support. 

A close friend may not be able to handle their own strong emotions. They may avoid talking about the event or choose to spend less time together. This can cause disappointment and hurt feelings. 

Tired and overwhelmed with ongoing changes, individuals may begin to reduce their social connections with and support for each other.

If the survivor “shuts down” and becomes numb, they may have difficulty feeling anything at all. They may become indifferent to others’ feelings or needs as they struggle to manage their own needs, which can cause further distance from friends and loved ones. 

Not everyone knows what to say. Some people may unintentionally say things that are hurtful, and/or try to relate in poorly considered ways, such as talking about their own pain or a ‘similar’ experience that is not at all similar.  

MVI Survivors may feel let down if support is not available.  

Disability from an injury can change a survivor’s lifestyle and may make them more dependent on others.

Loss of a close friend or family member leaves a huge void that cannot be replaced by others.

Anger about the incident can be turned towards those who are perceived as not helping ‘enough.’ Blame and finger pointing are common.  

Differences in financial compensation settlements can cause resentments. 

Lawsuits further divide the community.

When multiple people are killed or injured during an MVI, existing community networks are disrupted. Relationships may have to be rebuilt, which can be time intensive and an added stressor. 

After an MVI, many people need many different types of services. Community social and financial support may be stretched thin. 

If an individual has moved to a different community from where the event happened, preexisting relationships are now distant. Members of the new community may have little idea what happened or how it may still be having an impact. Trying to maintain connections with other survivors may be more difficult.

Survivors may also feel guilty or obligated if they needed help from their community, and then later avoid reaching out to maintain connections.

Factions in the community may politicize what happened and create divisions. 

Cultural, gender and individual differences exist. One individual may not cry openly or want to talk about the tragedy at all; another may want to talk about it all the time. No one way is wrong and no one way is right. Misunderstandings are common.

Preexisting community or ethnic tensions are worsened if leaders minimize, take advantage of the situation or do not offer good leadership.

Understand that recovery is a long process and is a more complicated journey than you may expect. 

Tell people how much you value the relationship and want to continue to work to improve it. Let people know how much you appreciated their support. 

Be patient with those who can’t understand your experience, rather than trying repeatedly to ‘make them understand.’ 

If people get angry or impatient, try not to take it personally. They may be struggling in ways unknown to you. 

Take the initiative to make contact (e.g., call others, text, email, make a visit to their home, ask them to call you every week to check in) 

Decide when to ignore a hurt and when to speak up if you feel misunderstood or not supported.

Find a way to support your partner or other family members in the way he or she needs to cope while your way of coping is also supported. 

You can’t take the pain away, but you can listen to each other and provide support. 

Try to find some common ground, so you can communicate your feelings more effectively. 

Remember that you can’t control how another person will cope, but you have some control over your own actions. 

It’s ok to grieve the way your own family or culture does, and it’s also ok to change how you grieve.

Don’t let others hurry you. Recovery does not have a timeline. 

Don’t resent someone else’s recovery. You have your own unique circumstances.

Don’t give up. Keep hope alive.  

Allow a new kind of life together to emerge. 

Existing and long term relationships have value.  Get through it together if possible. If not, step back to ease tensions and allow reconciliation at a later time.  

Schedule special activities to do together.  

Express gratitude for their friendship. 

Be understanding, kind and patient even when the other person may not be the same way.

Listening and loving are important parts of healing.

Love and accept the person you have become and ask others to understand that you are not the same.

Imagine a future that can be ‘ok,’ or maybe even ‘really good’ in time.