Grief is a person’s response to the death of a loved one. This includes how people think, feel, and behave after the death. Grief also involves the process of relating to others—and even their own spirituality—after the death. The experience of grief is very individual.
When a loved one has died, many people may:
- Feel as though their world has been turned upside down.
- Change how they think and feel about the world, other people, and even themselves.
- Need time to adjust before they begin feeling better.
- Feel sadness, loneliness, or resentment
- Feel fearful, anxious, or angry
The intensity of feelings and responses is different for each survivor. Grief is not linear. That is, grief does not necessarily occur in a specific order. As you start to live your life carrying the memory of your loved one with you, you may begin:
- Noticing that the intensity of grief is decreasing at times.
- Accepting the death.
- Taking comfort in positive memories about your loved one.
- Feeling that you can continue feeling connected to your loved one, even when they are not physically here.
As you start to re-engage in activities and relationships, it is common to feel guilty about restarting your life.
- It’s important to remember that you are doing nothing wrong.
- Though feeling guilt is common, you have not betrayed your loved one who has died.
Grief is a sign of love. Given your love, you will always grieve. However, how that grief looks and feels will shift over time. How you feel now may not be how you may feel in several months from now. It is possible to engage fully in life while carrying this grief.
Over time, many survivors are able to cope with the death of a loved one. However, some survivors grieve for longer or more intensely than others. Prolonged Grief is when grief becomes chronic (that is, lasts for a long time) or continues to interfere with a person’s quality of life—it may be signs of struggling with healing from the loss. Survivors stuck in the pain and loss of the death may experience complications in grief. Loss by mass violence homicide increases risk for complicated grief. Complications in grief may:
- Worsen pre-existing mental health and health issues.
- Increase risk of developing mental health and health issues.
Complications in grief come in different forms, and may include:
- Trouble accepting the death.
- Inability to trust others.
- Numbness and detachment.
- Excessive agitation, bitterness, or anger.
- Feeling uneasy engaging in life.
- Feeling that life is empty or meaningless.
- Believing the future will be hopeless.
Many of these reactions are very common and normal during the initial months after loss. However, they can become problematic if they persist one year after the death of your loved one. If you believe you may be struggling with prolonged grief, there are effective counseling approaches that can help you cope.
Like reactions to traumatic events, each individual experiences grief differently. Some individuals are overwhelmed with emotions, while others feel that they are paralyzed or numb. No matter what your reaction is, please know that you will get through this difficult time.
It’s also important to know that the timeframe for grief differs for everyone. Typically, after the acute pain of the death begins to subside, people experience a steady decline in grief over time with occasional "spikes," usually when something reminds them of their loved one or of their death. Grief can also change over time. You may experience a variety of emotions in different intensities as you move forward.
Although life may seem confusing or meaningless as a result of your loved one’s death, you can live a meaningful life, even while carrying grief with you. Try to find ways to integrate your loved one into your day-to-day life. Although they cannot be physically present with you, you can still find ways to stay connected to them and their memory. And just like how individuals experience grief differently, there are countless ways to continue the bond with your loved one or honor their memory—give yourself permission to find what works best for you.
It's okay to feel sad when you're reminded of your loved one. The degree of pain and sorrow you feel reflects the strength of the bond between you and your loved one. Don't avoid the pain. Try to embrace it, just as you embraced the love you felt for the person you lost. Letting yourself experience the pain allows you to also feel the love you had for them.
Not everyone grieves in the same way. There is no “right” way to grieve or no “right” amount of time to grieve. Some individuals find healing through sharing their feelings with others. However, some individuals may feel overwhelmed, shut down, and have difficulty opening up to others.
When you are feeling strong emotions, it is normal to believe that sharing these feelings with others will make you a burden. However, this is false. Your loved ones and social supports want to help you through this difficult time. Lean on them for what you need, whether that be someone to talk to or helping with day-to-day activities. And if you feel reluctant, ask yourself, “if this person came to me in a time of need, would they be burdening me?”
It may not seem like it right now, but as time moves forward, the intense feelings of grief will start to lift. Sometimes survivors feel guilty for having fun, smiling, or feeling love towards others. We can feel both joy and meaning in life while also missing a loved one. How can you honor their memory? What would they want for you and other loved ones?
For some survivors of mass violence, connecting with others is a powerful healing tool. This can look and feel different for every individual. Here are examples of how to connect with others as a way of healing:
- Talk to family and friends
- Connect with others who have experienced the death of a loved one in a mass violence event
- Connect with a leader within your spiritual/religious tradition
- Connect with your loved one through activities such as those in the “process your grief” section below
Following a sudden death, loved ones often feel like they missed the opportunity to share feelings and final words with their loved ones. Engaging in an activity to share these feelings and thoughts with your loved one can be healing. In addition, many individuals find that these activities help them connect to their loved ones and keep their relationship alive. Below are examples of activities that others have found helpful when processing grief:
- Journaling. Pick a time each week and journal to your loved one. It can be about anything—your thoughts and feelings, you missing them, or updates in your life.
- Write a letter to your loved one. If you feel that you need reconnection, writing a letter to your loved one can be helpful. Be honest with your feelings and write the letter as if the person is sitting right in front of you. Later, you may want to consider writing a response letter from your loved one’s perspective, imagining how they might react and what words of encouragement they might share in return.
- Create tangible ways of being connected in your day-to-day life.
- Make a photo album. Photos are a great way to commemorate your loved one and keep memories alive. Construct a photo album, digitally or on paper, of pictures of you and your loved one. Keep it somewhere that you can view often. If comfortable, consider sharing these memories with others whom you trust.
- Create a memory journal. Write down favorite memories of your loved one and ask other family members and friends to add to the journal during special events such as the holidays.
- Create places or items to be connected. You could create a space in your garden to plant your loved one’s favorite flowers, or plant a tree, or set aside a bench. You could also identify a positive symbol of your loved one or a reminder of their values.
- Acts of kindness. Engage in acts of kindness in honor of your loved one. These acts can be formal (e.g., establishing a small scholarship in the name of your loved one) or informal (e.g., lend a hand, “pay it forward”), and may reflect your loved one’s personal interests.
For more information and an interactive way to engage in these activities, download the Transcend app(
and 
) on your phone and visit the “Cope with Loss” section.
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Transcend. The NMVVRC created a free app designed to help survivors of mass violence events. This self-help app can help you learn how to cope with grief, manage difficult emotions, help others, and more. Download the app by searching “Transcend NMVC” on
and products. -
Suggested Reading. Here is a list of readings that other survivors have found helpful and comforting.
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Make sure to visit the other sections of the Virtual Resiliency Center to learn about additional tools you can use to begin healing after mass violence.
If these activities do not seem to help, or if the pain of your grief becomes prolonged (more than a year after loss) and causes significant challenges in your day-to-day life, consider seeking professional help. Please visit the Get Help/Resources section to find a therapist near you.